Childhood sexual abuse has traditionally been a taboo subject - something that has been difficult to talk about or even acknowledge. When something is hidden, it is not surprising that many myths, untruths and misconceptions arise. Dispelling such myths is an important step in healing and the prevention of sexual abuse.

Some of the prevailing myths include:

• Sexual abuse does not happen to boys.
• Boys who were abused by men are or will become gay.
• Boys who were molested as children will eventually sexually offend against others.
• If a boy really did not want the abuse to happen, he would have stopped it or told someone about it.
• Females do not behave sexually abusively towards children.
• If a boy experiences pleasure or orgasms during the abuse, he must have wanted it.
• The sexual abuse of boys is perpetrated by homosexual males who fit the description of the “dirty old man” in a trench coat lurking in the alley.

Just as there are many myths surrounding male childhood sexual abuse, there are also many myths and misconceptions around what does it mean to be a man. These stereotypes and assumptions can play a big part in problems dealing with childhood sexual abuse.

Society is loaded with messages that promote the idea of the “strong, silent type” of man:

• Be a man!
• Real men don't cry!
• Get over it!
• Suck it up and deal with it!

These stereotypes and messages tell us that:

• Men aren't victims
• Deal with it on your own
• Don't show your pain

Society's myths and messages of masculinity can keep you silent and keep you from healing.

Speaking out takes courage

Myth

Sexual abuse does not happen to boys.

Fact

1 in 6 boys will experience sexual abuse before they are 16. Despite this shocking reality, there is little awareness that males experience childhood sexual abuse. Gender does not make a person safe. Rather, anyone can be victimized, especially children. The roots of this myth lie in traditional gender stereotypes. Within western culture, there are pressures, assumptions and stereotypes that males are, strong, the protectors, leaders, the aggressors and the initiators of sex. With such a narrow view of masculinity, there is little acceptance for a male to be vulnerable, let alone be victimized. In fact, to be victimized (especially sexually) contradicts the masculine ideal. The implications of this myth have negative consequences for the male survivor, resources available and the community as a whole.

The impact this myth has on the male survivor is that it reinforces the silence around the abuse - to tell means not to be seen as a “real man” according to traditional masculine assumptions. This silence has been referred to as a living a hell and quite literally can be deadly. This myth can also impact the resources available to men. If there is a belief that the sexual abuse of boys rarely occurs, there is no point in making available resources for intervention and prevention. Although there has been some increased awareness of the issues surrounding male childhood sexual abuse, there continues to be little resources available, especially in smaller communities. The silence that this myth creates also has implications for the community as a whole. As abuse thrives in silence, disbelief and denial, this myth promotes the continued sexual victimization of boys.

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Myth

Boys who were sexual abused by men are, or will become homosexual.

Fact

Sexual abuse should not be confused with sexual orientation. One's sexual orientation is complicated and cannot be reduced to a single factor in a person's life. Although this is the case, this myth is fairly influential. As men commit the majority of abuse, this can create a lot of confusion of one's sexual identity. This relates to the potential of the abuse to result in the boy experiencing an erection, pleasure or orgasm. The resulting pleasure can create both confusion and chaos for the boy regardless of his sexual orientation. Common questions by heterosexual males who experience abuse - “Does this mean I am gay if there was pleasure?” For men who are gay or bisexual, there too can be confusion - “Did the abuse make me this way? If so, how can I accept myself as a sexual being?” Regardless of one's sexual orientation, it is common to experience confusion over one's sexual identity. This makes sense given the sexual nature of the abuse. However, a person's body will respond to touch and stimulus, even if it is abusive. Our bodies will respond whether we want them to or not - it is a matter of biology and anatomy.

Sexual abuse does not make you gay, straight or bisexual

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Myth

Boys who were molested as children will eventually sexually offend against others.

Fact

This myth is similar to that of vampires. Once bitten by a vampire, the victim turns into a vampire himself. Like vampires, the notion that male survivors will automatically behave sexually abusively is a myth as well. The reality is that the majority of men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse do not go on to sexually abuse others. In fact, many abuse survivors go into helping or protective professions or volunteer activities. However, this myth is fairly ingrained in society and survivors themselves. Many male survivors describe feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or even fearful around children - even their own. Often this relates to the fear this myth brings - “What if I behave abusively?” Many men have also described worrying that others may think they are offenders if they disclose their abuse. This myth has its roots in early research done on men who behaved sexually abusively. Research has shown that many sexual offenders have experienced sexual abuse as children and faulty conclusions were made. However, this research did not include the experiences of the majority of male survivors who did not get involved in the justice system and have not behaved abusively.

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Myth

If a boy really did not want the abuse to happen, he would have stopped it or told someone about it.

Fact

Shame, fear and guilt are very powerful emotions, especially for a child. Abusers often use this alongside threats and intimidation to control their victims. Many men get the message that they should have stopped the abuse, but in reality children have much less power than adults. Being afraid is not a wrong thing.

There are many obstacles for males not to speak about the abuse which include:

• shame and guilt - boys and men often blame themselves for the abuse
• being victimized violates the traditional masculine ideal
• feeling that no one will believe them
• assuming that people will think:
  • I'm gay
  • I'm an offender
  • I'm damaged
  • I'm not a “real man”
• the tendency to minimize the abuse as a means of dealing with it - “it wasn't so bad”, “that was along time ago”
• bad experiences telling someone
  • the person didn't believe you
  • blamed you - why did you go along with it?
  • no resources available
  • people not knowing how to handle the disclosure
• not wanting to relive the experience by talking about it
• not wanting to hurt others
  • the belief that family and friends would be impacted (blame themselves, tainted, etc.)
  • not wanting to hurt the offender
  • a love/hate relationship with the offender (this is especially the case if the offender was to the boy such as a family member, mentor etc.)
  • the belief that others would take revenge and harm the offender and suffer the legal consequences

These are very powerful reasons to not speak out about the abuse. Just because you have never spoken about it does not mean that you wanted it, or that it was “no big deal”.

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Myth

Females do not sexual offend against children.

Fact

Although males perpetrate the majority of sexual offences against children, some females can, and do behave sexually abusively. Sexual offending does not limit itself to one gender. Despite growing evidence that women do behave sexually abusively, this myth runs deep in society and often gets transformed and minimized as sexual initiation. The theme of an older female “making a man” out of a younger male is common in our popular culture. We see this theme in movies such as The Summer of 42, The Graduate, American Pie, etc. Abuse is abuse, regardless of the gender of the perpetrator. The impacts of the abuse can be as severe regardless whether the perpetrator was a male or female. Those that were abused by a female sometimes have a more difficult time talking about the abuse as others may not believe him, congratulate him - “way to go, you scored -what are you complaining about”, or believe that he initiated it.

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Myth

If a boy experiences pleasure or orgasms during the abuse, he must have wanted it.

Fact

The human body naturally responds to stimulus, whether it is abusive or not. It is normal and natural to experience a reaction such as an erection or orgasm during the abuse. This can be a confusing and scary thing to experience and can lead to much shame and guilt and a sense of betrayal of one's body. However it is important to remember that you are not to blame. Experiencing pleasure does not make the abuse OK, or that you wanted it.

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Myth

The sexual abuse of boys is perpetrated by homosexual males who fit the description of the “dirty old man in a trench coat lurking in the alley”.

Fact

Heterosexual males perpetrate the majority of the abuse of boys. Sexual abuse is not about sex or sexual orientation, but rather power and control. A better way of describing sexual abuse is abuse that has been sexualized. In addition to the myth of homosexuality, comes the myth of the abuser being the monster figure. The abuse of children is a horrendous thing which has led to the conceptualization of the abuser being a monster figure lurking in the shadows. However, the majority of abuse is perpetrated by someone close to the boy -a neighbour, favourite uncle or aunt, teacher, hockey coach, priest etc. Rather than being the monster figure, many abusers are very charming - they use this charm to gain the trust of children then betray that trust in a monstrous way.

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